


Honor, Pride, and Suicide

by AniGraham



Category: Gundam 00
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Instability, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-18
Updated: 2010-09-18
Packaged: 2018-06-10 04:43:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6940240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniGraham/pseuds/AniGraham
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Story takes place at the end of Season 2. From Graham's perspective. Seeing what happened to Mr. Bushido as he was contemplating suicide after losing the battle against Setsuna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Honor, Pride, and Suicide

I felt like I was choking.  The air.  It felt so thick.  
  
Time no longer seemed to exist.  It was just me within the confines of my mobile suit and my last and final option in my hands.  
  
It was so hard trying to convince myself to pull the blade completely free and slice into my own flesh.  That is what I am supposed to do.  As I was instructed to do if I ever found myself in this very position.  A brave and admirable act and one I can't seem to bring myself to do.  I am a failure again.  
  
I'm so confused and I don't know what to do.  So alone.  
  
" _Have you already forgotten about me?_ "  
  
A familiar voice and when I looked up, I was greeted with a familiar face.  
  
It was me.  
  
An only slightly younger man, before all this mess began.  That scar still covering his face which is still a sight that makes my stomach turn.  He was wearing simple clothing and a simple smile.  Those green eyes still filled with life and passion took my breath away.  What have I become?  
  
He took the blade from me and in the matter of a blink, we were suddenly standing outside on earth.  Green grass and the wind was blowing, brushing through my hair.  My helmet must have been gone and I decided not to question how we had gotten there.  Some answers are just too hard to accept and for some reason, just standing here I felt at peace and nothing else mattered.  
  
" _Do you remember this place?_ "  
  
That question stirred up some memories and my eyes strained not to cry.  As a small child, I would come here with others from the orphanage.  Kids needed sunshine and freedom to grow up strong.  That's what one of the adults would always tell us before we ventured out to this place.  While all the other kids ran around, I would simply lay out on the grass and stare up at the sky, amazed by it.  Freedom?  It was up there.  
  
This was the place where I fell in love with the sky.  I had forgotten how much I loved it and this entire feeling altogether.  
  
Something flew close and overhead and moving too fast for me to really identify it.  I braced myself for the loud sound and gust of wind that would follow, closing my eyes as it started, but it soon was punctuated with the sound of a loud explosion.  
  
There were sirens and I forced my eyes open to see what exactly had happened, but quickly turned my gaze away and closed my eyes tightly.  My head was beginning to ache and I was no longer in the park where I spent many afternoons of my childhood, but rather a place of my young adulthood.  I was witnessing a memory and one I didn't want to relive.  The test battle between the Flag and the Blast.  The test battle between myself and my mentor.  
  
" _It still bothers you to this day?_ "  
  
I opened my eyes, but kept my head turned from the scene before me.  
  
"How could it not?"  
  
The outcome left such a deep scar inside. The mock battle was only to display the features of each mobile suit and to determine which would become the main unit for Union.  The Blast turned on me, forcibly grounding me and itself.  It was an attack that nearly took my life and took the life of my mentor, Slecher.  
  
After I physically recovered from the accident, it took several more weeks before I acted like myself again. Acted. Truth is, I know I never recovered from it. I even went to therapy several times which was something only my superiors and Katagiri knew about.  Even when learning of a rumor that he did it to financially help his daughter with his life insurance, I was too confused and lost to heal from it.  In reality, I only blamed myself more for the accident and I never learned how to forgive myself for what happened, but I was needed.  
  
I couldn't be depressed and so I pushed those feelings back and all that pain with it where I could ignore it all.  Seeing this all over again wasn't making it very easy.  
  
Turning to look at my other self, I saw him staring at the scene with such pain in his eyes. I don't know what I was expecting to see. I was just hoping that maybe he had learned to forgive himself so that I would know that I could too eventually.  
  
" _I'm you from the past._ " He turned and looked at me, " _And the past is something you cannot change._ "  
  
I forced myself to look out at the crash site.  I blinked and the scene changed again.  
  
Back indoors and standing inside what I recognized to be the Union MSWAD base.  The location that sustained an attack by three dark Gundams.  It took a couple of years to rebuild, but standing inside you couldn't tell that anything had happened.  The main difference to the building was a monument that was placed in the central wing of the building.  A large black and polished stone wall towered over anyone who stood before it.  Engraved were the names of the Union officials and soldiers who had been killed by Gundam or in any mission related to them.  
  
At the base of it was a large plaque with a dedication to Professor Eifmann who had been killed when the base had been attacked.  
  
A knot was forming in my throat and I was finding it a bit difficult to breathe.  My chest was beginning to feel so tight. I could only think about Howard and Daryl, how they shouldn't have died, how it was my fault, and how I couldn't even keep my promise.  
  
I couldn't move for some time and only stood and stared from a distance.  I was trying to fight back the tears and waiting for the scene to change for me once again.  Every time I closed and opened my eyes, it was still be there and my younger self was standing close and staring up at the wall.  He wasn't moving and finally a question came to mind.  What was he staring at so intently?  
  
I found the courage to walk forward, though my body felt so heavy as I moved.  Clearing my throat to better compose myself, I stopped right next to my other self and followed his gaze to a name that wasn't there before.  Reaching out for it, I found that my hand was shaking.  I simply couldn't believe my eyes, but right there before me my name had been added to all those I considered heroes. My name, so undeserving.  
  
"Why?"  
  
It made no sense.  Why would my name be added and honored with all of these men and women?  My honor was to be brought to me in death, something that _boy_ stole from me!  
  
My hand shot back down and grabbed my younger self tightly by the shoulder.  Jerking my hand to the side, I forced him to turn and face me as I screamed at him.  
  
"Why?!"  
  
A little mischievous smile grew on his face and I blinked.  
  
\--  
  
There was an awkward air about the entire crew of the Ptolemaios with the presence of one man who did not belong there.  Billy was definitely out of place, something he knew and so he kept off to the side and for the most part, kept his gaze on Sumeragi.  
  
So much had happened in such a short time and much of it was hard to make out and fully understand.  For the moment, everyone kept about their regular duties and said very little as the Ptolemaios made rounds to collect each Gundam pilot.  
  
Billy turned slightly and took a deep breath.  His mind was wandering to what was going to happen next.  What did all this mean for him now?  There was still so much left to do, but at the moment he wanted nothing more than to just sleep for several hours on end and pretend to have a normal and regular life like those on Earth.  
  
His thoughts were halted at the sight of a newcomer to the main deck of the ship.  Setsuna still in his pilot suit, but carrying his helmet to one side. For some reason, his black hair with a small flip to it, reminded Billy of someone.  
  
"Graham." Just barely whispered, but his eyes shot to the main screen that showed nothing but space. Endless stars and darkness.  
  
He was quick on his feet as Billy made his way to Sumeragi, placing a hand on her shoulder, and catching her and everyone's attention on board.  
  
"I need to ask a favor of you." He was trying to stay calm, "Just one, Kujo. Please."  
  
\--  
  
" _You know why?_ "  It was a whisper as I found myself surrounded by white.  My head felt dizzy and I tried to shake it off.  
  
Now we were outside on the roof of the building.  I felt so cold and the wind was blowing, but I forced myself to keep focus on my younger self.  He was standing several feet in front of me and simply pointed.  When I looked I found Katagiri standing behind me.  It took a moment, but I realized he was dressed the way he was the day he left me.  
  
"I needed you too."  It just slipped out.  Words I was unable to say two years ago, "I still do."  
  
It's hard for me to ask for help and so I watched him leave while telling me an old friend needed him.  I would have been okay, I think, but I didn't hear back from him for two whole years.  I went looking for him and found someone else instead and I don't know what really happened since then.  It was then I realized that my younger self was wearing the same clothes I had that fateful day.  
  
" _Our biggest regret._ " I looked back at him, he was walking backwards and that was when I got it.  
  
I stopped living life for myself and became someone else entirely, without thought, without passion, and without _love_.  I miss the way I use to be.  I don't really understand what started it all, maybe just taking on too much pain and blaming myself for things that were beyond my own control instead of dealing with it.  Eventually, it got too much and I guess you could say it killed me back then when I was him.  
  
But, I can't seem to get passed it.  Will I ever even if I am now realizing it?  
  
" _We are dying._ "  I could only stare, " _We're at another choice.  Either die the way that is expected of you or die by the cards you were simply dealt._ "  
  
Dying?  Just then I saw my younger self close his eyes and slowly rock before falling back off the roof.  
  
"No!"  
  
I have this habit of acting without really thinking.  I thought I heard Billy call after me as I bolted into a run to the edge of the building and leaped off to follow after him.  He had aged and looked like me, wearing a pilot suit, and holding onto that short sword that would supposedly bring back my honor.  When I caught up, I pulled the blade from his grasp and pulled myself into a hug to hold him tightly as we fell together.  There was only one thing that was on my mind.  
  
I didn't want to die.  
  
\--  
  
"Graham?"  
  
Two green eyes blinked opened and stared up into brown.  Billy smiled warmly seeing Graham return now that a steady flow of oxygen was being provided to him.  
  
"When we first got to you, I thought we were too late."  There was a pause before Billy began to chuckle, "But you're a stubborn man, Graham."  
  
It brought a weak smile to the blond's face before he looked around and took in all of his surroundings.  He was in a small medical bed and the room was very plain and came off as being very sterile.  It made him wonder.  
  
"Katagiri?  Where are we?"  He did have a pretty good guess.  
  
"That's not important."  Billy stood up to leave, "Just get some rest right now and I'll get you something to eat."  
  
Graham waited for a short moment and then turned his head to watch, setting pride aside for the first time to speak up, "Billy?  Please don't leave me right now."


End file.
